Friday Funnies

I threw up on the balcony of the country club.

I HATE when the Southwest flight attendants sing. Ruins my day, and then 
half the plane claps. Don't feed into their narcissism. We're hostages on this 
plane and we're being tortured by your voice.

I feel like I'm in the movie "Failure to Launch", but dude. The guy is 

not near as hot as Matthew McConaughey.

I'm just not very good at shuffle board because my muscles are too big. I guess I'm

 just too strong. [editor's note: these words actually came out of a guy's 

mouth at Sully's, and he was 100% serious. Barf]

Girls just want to get married and make little frat lords.

Don't let me get hotter than you or I'll be trying to upgrade.

I liked an Asian on Tinder tonight. I've reached an all time low. #loweringstandards

I'm so drink. I'm a mess. I ordered a double water.

The only guys who wear the FBI: Female Body Inspector shirts are the guys who've 

never inspected a female body. Those are the worst...or every shirt 

at a beach store. People actually buy those. I weep for America.