Adventures with the Tindahs

I'm sure some of you may have noticed that I refer to my roommates as the Chicken Tindahs, but what you haven't heard up until this point is how we became the Tindahs. This is that story, written by one of my oh-so-lovely roomies herself. Enjoy!

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By now, most of you have heard of, if not used, the dating app Tinder. When my roommates and I first moved into our beloved house, we were determined, single, sophisticates who wanted to put this app to the test. All of our married and engaged friends thought we were crazy, but hey, this whole dating thing is hard. You do what you have to do. Installing an app that allows you to peruse potential soulmates at your fingertips just seemed too easy.  

For those of you who haven’t played (I mean it's basically a game, probably my second favorite since Mario Kart), the app links to your Facebook profile showing your five most recent profile pictures. You can even include a tagline if you choose. Makes sense to base someone’s dateability on five pictures, right? After viewing five pictures and reading his Facebook profile, you obviously know a guy well enough to determine if he’s husband material. I decided on the catchy tagline “come at me bro,” a fave of Jenny and I’s after reading a fantastic post on a blog called Kitchen Closet Heart. I got one impressive comeback - “don’t bro me if you don’t know me.” Alright bro. You lured me in.  Now chat me up. 

If you’ve been matched for awhile but haven’t yet made a move, Tinder gets a little sassy. It starts taunting you in hopes of shoving you down the path to true love. My personal faves - Being courted? Forget that! Message the boy already! Google some good one liners! Conversations don’t write themselves! How many languages can you type in? What are you waiting for? Say something! What it should say is, "are you not ballsy enough to message the 24-year-old you 'hearted' and GASP, matched with?" Whoops. I am 27-years-old. I  have no business dating a 24-year-old. Nor a 25-year-old. Not even a 26-year-old for that matter. No, Tinder, I will NOT make a move. I have a sinking suspicion a lot of these "men" are really high school age boys posing as 30-year-olds. Buddy, you can’t grow facial hair, and your bod is way too Justin Bieberesque for you to be 27. Give me some older men! Can these youngin's even grow facial hair? One of the best tinder taunts was “You’re not getting any younger.” Thanks for the reminder Tinder, but the male options you’re giving me to choose from sure are! You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me! Now hold on while I settle back on the couch and open this bottle of red in my sweats, and change the mile radius setting so I have a wider range of hotties to choose from.

Quickly, my roommates and I became obsessed. Night after night we’d sit on the couch, eating ice cream out of the carton, watching chick flicks with our cat, Tindering our little hearts out. Truth: This may be a bit of an exaggeration. We really do get out of the house on occasion, and we weren't watching chick flicks. We were watching the Bachelorette. HUGE difference. We’d ponder, should I heart him or kick this baby to the curb? He’s cute in his first picture, but looks like Gollom from Lord of the Rings in the others... but even Gollom is kinda cute after a couple vodka sodas...and he’s adventurous! Look, he’s at a bullfight in Spain in this pic! Maybe his adventurous personality and obvious zest for life will trump his gollomness? Oh, look, this guy likes climbing mountains. He’s outdoorsy! True story - I hearted one guy solely because he had a tornado in his picture. There weren’t even any pictures of HIM. Great way to find a life partner, I know. Don’t judge me. I once moved to a city solely because it had twinkle lights on all of the trees. Great life choice I know. What can I say, clearly I like things that sparkle, but I've digressed. The worst were the guys that had either (a) a female in their picture or (b) a small child. I'm sorry, but if you are pictured with another girl or toddler I don't care what the situation is. Maybe she is your sister, maybe that is your nephew. Regardless, he gone! #TINDERFAIL

#ridiculous

I was ever impressed by the brains of these (cough) gentleman. One asked me, “what is your sexiest qualities?” Um I'm sorry, but do you speak English? My response? My brain. HA. It quickly became a game to see what funny and outrageous things we could say to these gullible boys. One Tinder suitor asked my roommate questions about a box. He said he could ask her three questions and tell her exact personality based on her response. Drum roll please, these will knock your pants right off of you....You’re in the middle of nowhere and there is a box. How big is it? What color is the box? There is a ladder. Is it on the front, back, or side? First off, what in God’s name am I doing in the middle of nowhere? Am I backpacking in the Saharan desert, or did you bring me here to murder me? Ok, here we go. I want a clear box with a glittery ladder and that thing better be big enough to put my bike in. (if you get this reference, props to you.) Also, my ladder is obviously on the side, and goes up to the roof of the box that has a patio perfect for drinking Boulevards on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Now what does THAT tell you about my personality? Everything you need to know? I thought so.;)

Like all great love affairs, our infatuation with Tinder fizzled rather quickly, lasting only a few weeks days. I will say, Tinder is mildly successful if you are looking for free drinks, and if things go well, maybe even dinner. My roommate went on three dates in one week, but after showing up to a restaurant only to be greeted by a man that looked nearly identical to her ex-boyfriend she decided she'd had enough. We also may or may not have ran out of fellas as well. The fun was over after we had hearted or X-ed every man within 100 miles of where we live. Even when Tinder FINALLY caught on to the age problem and upped the ante - now you can choose your age range - it was too little too late. Nothing could ignite the fire we once had in our hearts for Tinder, but alas, Tinder's legacy lives on as we lovingly coined ourselves "The Chicken Tindahs."

Although we've now all removed the creepy, albeit extremely entertaining app from our phones, because needless to say meeting someone in person is actually way more fun (wait, people still do that?), the name lives on, and my two absolutely amazing roomies will forever be known to me as my beloved Chicken Tindahs.

Wait, people don't meet IRL anymore?!?